Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
