Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
