Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
