Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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