Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
