I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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