Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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