I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
