Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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