I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
