Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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