she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
