I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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