do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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