just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
