Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
