my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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