You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
