It's a beautiful day for a hangover
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
