so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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