barbara walters just said penis...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
