About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Text me some of your sweat
where are my eyebrows?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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