i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
