Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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