i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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