My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
