First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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