: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
