About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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