Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
