haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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