just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
