The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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