So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
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she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
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Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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