mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
