I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize