I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
