OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
