oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
