It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
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I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
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I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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