I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
stop calling my apartment porn island.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
