Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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