News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We are two peas in an std pod
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Randomize
