three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
