He uses pillows to masturbate.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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