I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
