We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
