i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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