I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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