If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
