I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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