Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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