I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
