I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
