Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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