turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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