doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
